For Mitch!
I saw your earlier post, so assuming you might ever pay attention to this.
Your post reminded me of this :D My tumblr background.
Anyway, its probably not helpful at all…
But here :D Read it!
Polite cat
That little headbutt in the second one gave me diabetes.
Oh my god give me
DAMMIT.
“Excuse me, human. I would like a petting, please. Yes, thank you.”
“Um, excuse me, human? Human? Ah yes, I’d like another petting please. Ah, thank you.”
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
It’s watching me type….
That thing has been there for almost a week. The figure in the window. It looks featureless, only skin on a human frame, and it’s pressing itself against the glass somehow. I don’t know how it got there, and I don’t know how to get rid of it.
At first I thought it was a prank, or a doll or mannequin that some jerks put there to scare me. But I realised as I walked out of my house to pull it away…. it wasn’t there. I shrugged it off, thinking that someone had hidden it while I was walking through my door. But I went back in and looked out that same window, and it was looking in, staring at me. I walked around my house, yelling for whoever it was to come out, but no one was there. The thing is hairless and naked, and it didn’t look like it actually had eyes, or even a face at all. But its head is turned towards me when I enter the room. When I sit on my computer, I can feel its faceless hatred boring into my neck. But when I turn around, it’s innocently turned in a different direction.
Finally on Thursday I tried to open the window, but it’s stuck. I think the thing’s hands are keeping it down. But I got a good look at its face. It’s eyes and mouth are behind the skin pushing outward.
It stared at me, smiling.
Of course, I freaked out.
I pulled back a fist and smashed it onto the glass, determined once and for all to get rid of the glaring monster. I know I’m strong enough. that glass should’ve cracked. But it didn’t. It shuddered under my hand, but it didn’t break. That smile just got wider and wider and wider, until I thought its head would break in half. It raised its own hand and bashed the window with its palm. It was mocking me. But I saw the faintest crack begin to appear where it had hit, and I backed away.No way did I want that smile in the same room as me.
So I got a roll of duct tape and I stated covering the window. I couldn’t look directly at it; I nearly crap my pants just knowing it was watching me. But I couldn’t help it. I took a quick glance at that skin-covered face. A small peek.
It was angry.
That grin was now a gaping frown full of teeth. The skin had ripped away from its mouth and I could see down its cavernous throat. A menacing rumble started to fill the house, and that hairline crack began to break like splintering ice. I pulled down the duct tape. The rumble stopped, the split skin healed over, and it began to smile again. Now it’s night, and the noise hasn’t started again. There are no sounds, no rumble, no crackling glass. Everything’s quiet now.
I can feel it’s claws gripping the back of my chair. I can hear its skin stretching as it smiles…
It’s watching me type.
“HONEY”
“WHAT”
“WHERE’S MY SPEECH NOTES”
“WHAT”
“WHERE. ARE. MY. SPEECH. NOTES.”
“I UHHHH. ORGANISED THEM.”
“WHAT?!”
“WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW.”
“I NEED THEM”
“UH UH DON’T YOU THINK ABOUT PRACTISING THAT SPEECH TONIGHT I’VE BEEN PLANNING THIS DINNER FOR MONTHS”
“BUT AMERICA IS IN NEED”
“MY STOMACH IS IN NEED OF THAT FANCY DINNER.”
“YOU TELL ME WHERE MY SPEECH IS WOMAN THIS IS FOR INTERNATIONAL JUSTICE”
“I’M MICHELLE OBAMA. I INVENTED JUSTICE.”i feel the need to reblog this for the 10000th time
DEADEVERYWHERE.
Bless this post.
I am dead. Everyone left alive after this post is welcome to my belongings.
This is still one of the best posts ever.
THEN RAISE THE FUCK OUT OF OUR KIDS!
AND GIVE YOU ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU’D EVER FUCKING NEED.
AND PAY THE HELL OUT OF THAT FUCKING MORTGAGE.
AND THEN WHEN THE GUTTERS ARE CLOGGED I’LL GET UP THAT FUCKING LADDER AND CLEAN THAT SHIT UP WHILE YOU STAND BY THE KITCHEN WINDOW COMICALLY JUDGING MY WORK.
AND THEN WE CAN VACUUM THE FUCK OUT OF OUR CARPET SO HARD THAT WE’LL HAVE TO GET A NEW ONE.
WE’LL WASH OUR CLOTHES SO GODDAMN FUCKING HARD. FORGET NO RINSE, WE’LL USE HIGH FUCKING SPEED.
BUY A FUCKING MINIVAN TO STUFF OUR BEAUTIFUL FUCKING BABIES INTO IT AND DRIVE THE FUCK OUT OF IT.
THEN WE CAN GO SOME FUCKING PARENT-TEACHER MEETINGS AND MEET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR KID’S TEACHER. THEN JUDGE THE SHIT OUT OF HER IN THE CAR.
AND WE CAN THEN PILE ALL THE CHILDREN IN THE FUCKING MINIVAN AND GO TO THE STORE AND SHOP FOR GROCERIES SO HARD THAT WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO MAKE MORE THAN TWO TRIPS TO GET ALL THAT SHIT INSIDE THE HOUSE.
AND THEN COOK THE FUCK OUT OF OUR KITCHEN UNTIL WE HAVE NO FOOD LEFT AND WE FEAST ON THAT SHIT FOR FUCKING DAYS.
I WILL EAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR HOMEMADE COOKIES.
THEN WASH THE SHIT OUT ON THE DISHES TOGETHER UNTIL OUR ENTIRE HANDS GET FUCKING PRUNEY.
WE’LL WATCH OUR KIDS FUCKING GRADUATE AND MOTHER FUCKING TEAR UP LIKE THE BADASS BOSSES WE FUCKING ARE.
WE WILL GROW SO DAMN OLD TOGETHER, WE WILL LOOK LIKE FUCKING RAISINS.
I WILL FUCKING TELL YOU EVERY SINGLE SECOND HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE YOU.
HOLDING EACH OTHER’S FUCKING HANDS SO HARD THAT WE SHIT OUR SELVES.
UNTIL WE DIE AND ROT AS MOTHERFUCKING CORPSES TOGETHER.
TIL DEATH DO US FUCKIN PART.
HAPPILY EVER FUCKING AFTER.
this has to be on my blog oh my fucking god
these are the most perfect wedding vows fo real
